What role do female friendships play in career success? How do you stay true to yourself in a fast-paced professional world? In this issue of HH People, we sat down with Oniye Okolo of the Tony Elumelu Foundation (TEF), who shares her journey, the power of female friendships, the realities of navigating a career as a woman, the importance of staying true to oneself, and lessons she has learnt along the way.
PO for HH People: Tell us a little about yourself—who you are and what a typical day in your life looks like.
Oniye: My name is Oniye Okolo, and I am a Policy and Partnerships Officer at the Tony Elumelu Foundation (TEF). My typical day looks like; waking up, on days that I can, I go to the gym in the mornings, and then I head to work. My day job revolves around managing partnerships for TEF. This involves a lot of meetings with our partners typically who are multinational and international development organisations and ensuring that all of the things we have agreed to do contractually in our partnerships, that we get them done and excellently too. It involves a lot of stakeholder engagement, talking to people, attending events, and sometimes also travelling to represent the Foundation. That’s what my typical day looks like.
PO for HH People: Growing up, what kind of woman did you imagine you’d become? How close (or far) are you from that vision today?
Oniye: Growing up, I knew I always wanted to do international development and diplomacy. I liked arts and history, I liked literature, I liked reading, and I felt this was a great field to bring these skills to life. I looked at women like Chimamanda, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, and my mum. I never really thought of myself as a career woman, but I never thought of myself as a housewife either. I have just always been a curious person. I have always been curious about the world, and I wanted to play a part in making the world a better place.
I think I am quite close to the person I imagined I’d be. On a scale of 1-10, I think I am still at 5. I think there’s still a bit of distance in what I’m trying to learn, the gaps in what I’m trying to accomplish with my life; pursuing a PhD, trying my hands at different things, and learning new skills, I think there’s still a bit more to come.
PO for HH People: Female friendships can be a lifeline. Do you think women make better friends for each other? Share a moment when a female friend really showed up for you.
Oniye: Yes! I think women make better friends for each other. I don’t have any sisters and I have been heavily supported by my female friends and mentors who see me, uplift me, hold me up, and share advice with me all the time.
In 2021, when I was going through a really tough time, one of my friends called me and was like “Pack your bags, we are going for a staycation in La Campagne Tropicana. We went and were away for the whole weekend, and that was really great. Another time my female friends have shown up for me was when I lost my older brother, in terms of coming by my house, asking what the other things I needed help with, and putting together this really nice and thoughtful care package which I really appreciated. You know, being there as an ally, being there as your support. I think female friends get to do that. They understand, really, what it means to be a friend, and the depth that comes with no matter how messy or not always clear and clean-cut friendship can be. Also, just willing to be inconvenienced for you sometimes. I really appreciate the friendships I have with the women in my life.
PO for HH People: They say women have to work twice as hard—do you think that’s still true?
Oniye: I think yes. I think it’s still true because there’s just a lot that you are contending with. There’s a lot of emotional regulation that comes with being a woman at work. There’s a lot at play because when you are coming to the workplace, you are coming with the other things going on in your life but you must compartmentalise. You have to compartmentalise. Women are coming with health issues; dealing with cramps, for instance, mood swings, hormones and all. Those are the things you need to contend with. Also just being undermined, being looked down on because you’re a woman. Those are the things women still have to contend with.
I think slowly but surely, we are seeing women becoming more assertive, sticking up for themselves, looking ahead to the examples that we have and saying to themselves “We can do better than this”. There’s more to aspire to and so we are getting there.
PO for HH People: Have you ever at some point felt like you had to ‘tone down’ or ‘play up’ certain parts of yourself to fit in at work? How did that play out?
Oniye: Not necessarily, actually, I think I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve. I think that I bring that to work as well to the extent that if I’m upset at something or I need to let a colleague know or I need to be more assertive, I am able to do that. I have learnt, of course, to be very firm, to say what I mean and to mean what I say. I have also learnt the importance of compartmentalising. Time and place—I think that’s one thing women learn very quickly at work. There’s a time and place for everything.
PO for HH People: Women sometimes take career breaks for family. What’s your take—can you really hit pause and come back stronger? Is it something that worries you?
Oniye: Absolutely, it is something that worries me! I think that more and more, increasingly, we are finding women not interested in taking a break, saying “Let me hit a pause, re-strategise, see if this even aligns with what I’m trying to do and then come back”.. More importantly, for family, I think increasingly, parents especially women, are realising that if I want to be a mother for instance, those first years of my child’s life are so crucial for their brain development so how can I be a present mother and be a present career woman? Those are the things people contend with.
There was one video of this lady, I think at Coca-Cola, and she was talking about how sometimes, you just don’t have it all. There are seasons when you are a star performer at work because 100% of your time is going to work, and all your energy and focus are going into work. But then, when you become a parent and your focus is on your child, yes, you are still working and performing, but your child takes centre stage. It should be allowed that as we navigate life, and as we get older or our priorities change, so does our level of effort towards certain things. It is something I think about a lot. I think this is something institutions should start to incorporate and accommodate for actual family life in the way work is structured, such that when women take breaks and come back, they are still able to bounce back and they are still able to catch up, essentially.
PO for HH People: What’s a misconception about women that you’ve personally disproved in your journey? Is there any you agree with that might be true?
Oniye: I don’t know oh. I think maybe that people who are soft-spoken are soft or that women are typically not as resilient. In my journey, that is a misconception I have dispelled because I would say that I am someone who has had to overcome a lot of hurdles and a lot of challenges that I have been able to find the resilience and the strength to keep pushing.
PO for HH People: I hear people say female bosses are different from male bosses. Some say male bosses are better. Do you agree? If so, how?
Oniye: I definitely think so. Individuals are different. We all come with different lenses to life. Obviously, gender plays a huge role in how women show up at work or how your bosses will treat you. I have only had experiences with female bosses so far in my career and each of them has been very different. I think the best way to navigate having a female boss is to learn the person; understand what their work style is, what their management style is, and then go from there.
PO for HH People: We talk a lot about women benefiting from gender equity, but what’s in it for men? Why do you think they should be interested?
Oniye: I don’t know that this is the way we should think about it or that this is the way it will be framed. I think the mindset should be that this is a fellow human being. A woman is a fellow human being. At least 50% of the world is made up of women. There shouldn’t be anything in it for men to be allies of women, or to treat women with respect or to ensure women also sit at the table. We are all human beings and are worthy of respect just because of that. Not necessarily because there is this unsaid gain or that there should be a particular benefit. I think, again, just diversity of opinion, when you have a table or a work environment that is reflective of the world, you are able to capture more context and backgrounds, you are able to be more progressive, and inclusive.
PO for HH People: Ambition is great, but so is peace of mind. How do you balance chasing your goals with taking care of yourself? I see you do that quite well
Oniye: It comes in waves. Sometimes, there’s more balance than other times especially if you live in Lagos where so much of our time is spent in traffic and commuting but I try to spend time with my friends, and watch TV. I love reading, I try to read and write, and when I have time, new hobbies as well. Sometimes, it gets really hard to strike a balance. I also like exercising, and really just prioritising rest and listening to my body and knowing when to take time off to rest.
PO for HH People: What’s one thing you wish more women would stop being apologetic about?
Oniye: I think just being. I think being multidimensional and multifaceted. I don’t know that that’s a thing to constantly prove to people. “Oh, look at me. I can be serious and I can be playful and can be intelligent. You know, I want to have a good time, and want to look good.” Be your multifaceted self. Know when to be serious. Be humble as well and don’t apologise for that. Again, don’t be silly about it either. Being your authentic self doesn’t need an explanation. When you show up in your world, this is who you are.
PO for HH People: If you could sit with your younger self for a conversation, what’s one thing she wouldn’t believe about your life today?
Oniye: Living in Lagos! I don’t think it was in my cards when I was planning my life. I grew up in Port Harcourt and went to secondary school in Abuja, and Uni in America, so living in Lagos was not really in my cards. I think that that’s one thing that I wouldn’t believe about myself today. I think like even just overcoming some of the hurdles I have had to overcome. I think I grew very quiet and reserved.
PO for HH People: Finally, if your life were a book, what would this chapter be called?
Oniye: Growing pains, LOL! That’s what this chapter would be called.
PO for HH People: Thank you, Oniye! I’ve enjoyed listening to you. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your thoughts, and providing some clarity, especially on where the rest of the world should stand, side by side with women.
