I wasn’t going to write this. I usually avoid conversations like this, but after watching Senator Natasha Akpoti’s video, I couldn’t stay silent. I was triggered. I had to speak.
I’m not a feminist. I don’t like being labelled as one. Not because I have anything against feminism, but because I believe men should be the ones leading this fight. Men should be feminists. They should be the ones advocating for equal rights for women since they are the root of the discrimination. This isn’t to dismiss the role women have played in enabling this toxic behaviour, but let’s be honest about where it starts.
Let’s talk about women who are just building their careers. Every time we discuss gender equality, the focus is on female leaders, CEOs, top executives, and board members. But what about the middle managers? The ones climbing the ladder? The reality is that when you’re still on the way up, speaking up can cost you everything. You risk being blacklisted, labelled “difficult,” or worse, completely ignored.
I know this because I’ve lived it.
I remember a time when I was on a team with only men—I was the only woman. What I experienced changed my life forever. I was made team lead over two of my colleagues, who felt they were more deserving, and they made me pay for it. They were condescending, dismissed my opinions, shut down my ideas, and went over my head to get things done. I felt like I was fighting for my life. It wasn’t about my competence. It was their fragile egos. They couldn’t stand the fact that a woman was in charge.
They even started a smear campaign, telling people I only got the position because I was sleeping with the boss. One even had the audacity to tell me to my face that I was only chosen because I was a woman and “easier to control.” Imagine my ten years of experience reduced to “You got the job because you’re a woman,” despite my results speaking for themselves.
Another one called me and said, “You’re just a small girl. Instead of humbling yourself and learning from people like us, you’re setting yourself up to fail. You won’t last in this place.”
What was my crime? Being a woman. My qualifications didn’t matter. My work ethic didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I wasn’t a man.
Can we also address the demonic “bro code”?
Whenever one of them did something condescending, the others would never hold him accountable. Even when they knew it was wrong, they stayed silent to uphold their “bro code.” That drove me crazy. I believe the bro code is just a way for men to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Men will sit back and watch their friends be condescending, cruel, and outright sexist, and say nothing. Even when they know it’s wrong. They call it loyalty, but let’s be real. It’s just a convenient excuse to avoid accountability. Any man who lives by the “bro code” is a man who refuses to be held accountable.
Now, let’s talk about the role women play. Yes, some women enable this behaviour. They make excuses for it. They protect it. I remember being in a management meeting when one of the women said to me, “The guys are complaining that you don’t allow them to shine.” That was a slap in the face. I’ve never been the kind of person to take credit for someone else’s work. I always acknowledge and celebrate others. So hearing her say this was essentially her telling me to dim my light to accommodate their egos.
And then there were the witch hunts from other women in that organization. Some women don’t want to see other women rise. They’ll attack you, isolate you, and make you question yourself just because you dared to be ambitious. Just because you refused to shrink yourself.
After a while, their constant gaslighting and narcissistic abuse started to affect me. I became suicidal. I went silent. For a long time, I stopped contributing. I began to doubt my abilities. I didn’t think anyone wanted to hear my opinion. I am still healing from that experience—finding my voice again and deciding how I want to show up in the world.
And this is just my story! So many young women, especially middle managers, have gone through worse.
At the beginning of my career, I was sexually harassed by my boss. I couldn’t confide in anyone in the organization, not even the women, so I left.
The fight for equality is everyone’s responsibility—both men and women.
That said, I have also met amazing men in my career. I have had male bosses who encouraged me to be myself and walk in my glory. I have also had an amazing female boss who saw my potential, poured into me, and truly supported me. But people like that are rare.
We need to do better. All of us.
Let’s not brush it off and say, “That’s just how the corporate world is. It’s toxic. You either deal with it or leave.” No! We must hold each other accountable.
Because at the core of inequality isn’t just a system. It’s insecure, narcissistic men who can’t stand to see a woman in her power. And the women who enable them.
It’s time to change the narrative. Fighting for women’s rights shouldn’t be a conversation held by women alone.
Men, take a stand. Forget the bro code.
