I am loyal. I wear it as a badge of honour. I am quite proud of having the loyalty gene. Whatever the relationship is, I apply the loyalty principle. I am the ever-loyal friend, employee, daughter, sibling, wife, mother, boss, confidant, etc. Just name it! This is supposed to be a great thing, but it hasn’t always worked well for me. The problem is, I am an equal opportunity “loyalty applier”. I continue to be loyal to people who no longer deserve my commitment. It really is not their fault. It is all on me because I love building relationships. I invest in and maintain relationships. However, experience has shown me that some relationships have an expiration date. Yet, rather than throw them out, I let them occupy space on my shelf. I continue to dust and make space for them because of my inordinate belief that the relationship may be renewed or revived. So, I stay committed and let them stay on the shelf. I also believe in second (and even third) chances, but I have realized that it may not always be the best option in this circumstance.
There are relationships that no longer serve us well that we are reluctant to let go of. Expending energy on relationships that are not worth maintaining is exhausting and can impact one negatively. It also encroaches on the time that can be devoted to true friends and relationships. You have probably heard the saying that some people come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and that we decide how long they stay. This sounds quite simple, but it can be very difficult to sever relationship ties, particularly if it is someone who was very close to you or had a positive impact on your life. If the loyalty gene runs through your bloodstream, you will not make the decision on who stays or who goes lightly. Embarking on an analytical decision tree process to make that determination can be helpful. In addition to acknowledging your role in the breakdown of the relationship, some factors that may be considered are –
Length of the relationship – How long has this person been in my life? Understandably, there are people who have been in our life briefly but have made a great impact. Thus, one cannot easily dismiss a relationship just because it is recent. For long-term relationships, consider its level of importance in your life and try to figure out when it went awry and what caused the shift.
Shared Values – Do we still share the same values? As humans, we are constantly evolving, and friends who had a lot in common can wake up one day and realize that they are on very different tracks. Trying to maintain a relationship with someone who does not understand or appreciate the journey you are on is challenging. You find yourself not sharing as much with them because they either discourage or diminish your dreams, goals or values.
How do they make you feel? – This is important because you want to surround yourself with people who lift you up. If they make you feel bad about who you are or what you are doing (assuming it is something positive), then it is time to let the relationship go. Who you are around determines where you are going. If you find yourself tiptoeing around what to share and what not to share in conversation with them, then maybe they should not be in your life.
Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? Is it an ongoing lesson? If you pay attention, relationships can be such a wonderful classroom. It can teach you human dynamics and how to navigate them. You can never truly understand human behaviour without interacting closely with people. It also helps you understand yourself better. Some relationships teach patience, how to manage emotions, and how to be a better communicator.
Healthy – Does the relationship impact you positively or negatively? Unhealthy relationships are quite toxic and can feel like carrying excess weight, which can literally make you sick. When this occurs, it is time to detox and rid yourself of the relationship.
Commitment – Do they deserve your loyalty? Have they given you reason to believe they are committed to you? Do they look out for you? Loyalty is a precious gift. Only those who deserve it should receive it.
Consider putting your relationships through some type of analysis and decide who stays. If they fail the test, it is okay. Take the time to discover what they were meant to teach you, master the lesson, thank them for it and move on. If you fail to learn the lesson, you have wasted a great opportunity and will likely repeat the same mistake. Taking the time to go through the process gives us a great opportunity to appreciate those who made the cut so we can devote our time, talent and resources to nurturing relationships that matter.
Marilyn Monroe summed it up nicely when she said, “… everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”.
Some of my relationships came as a lesson, and most of them as blessings. I am eternally grateful for all of them. Thankfully, I have the power to decide who stays and who to let go. And so do you!
