Love is a dangerous attempt at happiness. Mind my definition but I believe it to be true. Love has developed into different dimensions; you just have to pick the side you’re comfortable with and manage it. Gone are the days when the love of your life would wait outside of your office or loiter the street of your home every afternoon just to get your attention. Gone are the days we fell blindly in love and were caught 70% of the time. Today, with all these Gen Zs around, love is for your pocket. I can’t bear to watch you suffer, therefore, here are 6 signs you’ve been hit by a smooth criminal.
They’re strategically transparent
People who move majestically as though they have no skeleton in their closet, fear them. What is there is more than you can fathom but you’ll never know because it is hidden in plain sight, under the cloak of transparency. A smooth criminal will tell you things before the streets gets the chance to, creating a sense of honesty. In all fairness to you, you’d never be taken by surprise because your partner told you first and you will defend them if and when the topic comes up. People with nothing to hide have no fear of shame, they’re only getting ahead of the game. Just look at Ruger, he is singing his truth for the world to hear. He who has ears, let him hear.
Great writing skills
If your sweetheart is a hell of a good writer, sleep with one eye open. Yes, enjoy the Shakespearean English, the Spanish and the French, but don’t cry and don’t beg when it turns to Latin and you’re no longer understanding. Just look at you, smiling recklessly at your screen. A good writer will run circles around your heart and mind, you won’t know what hit you. On the bright side, the words will be like music to your ears.
They avoid lying
Smooth criminals don’t lie; therefore, they’d never be caught in a lie. They simply avoid a few critical elements of the truth. You didn’t ask, so they won’t tell. Because of their strategically transparent nature, you have absolutely no reason to question what they tell you and even when you confront them with the truth, they confess as though they have surrendered all to you. Iro lo pa! It’s a lie! Issa ruse! Don’t do it!
They pay close attention to you
Nobody pays more attention to you than a smooth criminal. Your likes, dislikes, routines, the stories you tell them, key elements in your life, no detail will pass them by. It is with this close attention they pay you that they gain your trust and play you within your own playground; the nerve they have to make you fall in love.
They’re everybody’s angel
You can never call out a smooth criminal because, at face value, they are just honest, sweet, attentive, transparent angels to everybody. Having so many judges of character minimises the possibility of your negative idea of them. You question your sanity, you might even feel bad for flagging their behaviour, but indeed a good name is worth more than silver and gold. A smooth criminal understands this very well.
They work hard on weekends
It is at this point that they have gotten you. Smooth criminals are the most hardworking people, especially on weekends. When you’re meant to be Netflix and chilling after Sunday brunch, they bolt for the door as they say to you “Mo fe sare de Apapa” meaning “I want to quickly reach Apapa”. Pele o, importer, exporter. They’re always putting in some work on the weekends and they don’t tell you prior, it’s always urgent and they can only say it on their way out of the house. This way, they’re gone before you ask what’s going on. Some people are actually busy though, don’t get it twisted.
Valentine’s Day is coming, and I hope you’ve not budgeted money from your January salary for another person’s boo or a smooth criminal. If you know you’re not sure of yourself, just remain humble. I hope with these few philanthropic, whistle-blowing points of mine, I’ve been able to confuse you and not really convince you of anything. If you put sand in the garri of your love life, I shall not be held liable.
To my fellow criminals, amorawa!
*Proceeds to tell my crush that he is the sugar in my tea*
