If you start reading this and have a feeling that I’m probably going to slander babies for a bit, you’re right. Few things get me excited and talking smack about innocent adorable bundles is one of them.
Agbaya like me.
Maybe it’s because they don’t seem to talk back but I digress (see point number 5 for clarifications).
I think fathers are amazing, mine being one of them; I would like to be him in the near future as well because it comes with the package. Until then, I’m taking my precious time.
But what makes fathers what they are? Babies, first and foremost, and this is where my problem lies (I’m exaggerating).
So, as I anticipate fatherhood, I just want to talk about some of the things that I know babies will definitely put me through.
- Having babies around lowkey puts dads on self-harm watch
Not only do you have to baby proof the entire house, you have to sleep with one eye open, tracking their every move. Crying may be annoying, but I believe their silence is much worse because if you happen to have a crawler, he or she just might be in your kitchen, having a bath with semo flour (but semo is trash so I guess that’s okay).
Maybe it’s just me but I can’t help but feel that babies (and children under 5 by extension) know something about life that we don’t because it’s almost like they are actively trying to hurt themselves when you’re not looking.
- They stare too much for people who can’t fight
Have you been locked in a stare down with a baby before? Jeez, if it were an adult, you’d probably feel like something big is about to go down and you’d brace yourself for it. In this case though, what are you bracing yourself for? Probably a cute smile or some baby chortle, which I think is an anti-climax.
Like, please, after this buildup, you just have to fight me.
- And don’t get me started on their kung fu grip
Have you ever had to wrestle your keys from a baby’s grip? How did it go? It’s an experience I never want to have again and I’m not exactly looking forward to it with my own rugrat when he or she shows up. It’s so weird how they seem to be able to hold everything except their own bottle 😑.
- Then there’s this waste issue
See, food is expensive in Nigeria now so I don’t understand why babies would gobble stuff up and then throw it back up later on, preferably on your shirt. Pure wickedness. While at it, they just might add a dose of pee.
Also, for people that can’t wipe their butt themselves, they poo a lot and the timing is by their standards, brilliant – just not for you. Give a baby a bath now and and putting them in a new onesie that makes them look like a million bucks. Then wait to see your best work go up in smoke as they shit all up their back mins later.
- Finally, we need to figure out baby-speak
I still think babies say a lot that we’re not smart to understand, which is why they cry a lot: when they’re hungry, sleepy, hot, cold, growing teeth, feeling sick, etc. A baby goes, “Goo goo, wj fbsfhnw.” and we’re there wondering what they’re saying when all they’re asking for is a diaper change.
This joke is on us and not them because we spend all our time speaking gibberish and while they may be laughing at our “Abujubujubuju…” all they’re wondering about is how many grammatical blunders we want to make before we get it right.
So, rant done, am I looking forward to fatherhood? Meh, I don’t know.
All I know is that I’ll roll with it and enjoy the craziness alongside the warm fuzzy feeling of love and pride at watching a copy of myself grow…
…while slandering them in the process.
