It’s a Friday night. You pick up your phone and open the Facebook app. You scroll through the posts. Two different people have just gotten married. You go back to the first post to comment ‘congratulations’ but you are too lazy to comment same on the second one so ‘HML’ should be enough.
You keep scrolling.
Tobi is sharing her ‘I said yes’ memory from last year with a ‘1 year down and many to go…’ as well as a toddler’s birthday. Huh? When was the wedding? There was also childbirth too?? Okayyyyy. ‘Things are happening’ you think to yourself.
You keep scrolling.
You see that Chinedu bought a car and Frances posted up 15 images of herself doing the same pose. 15! Oh well, that’s enough Facebook for one day. You close the app. You don’t bother with Twitter. ‘Too vile’ you say while closing your eyes and shaking your head like you are trying to shake off a bad memory.
You open LinkedIn…’I am pleased to announce that I have just’…you close the app. ‘Not today’ you mutter under your breath. Instagram is next. You scroll up. You scroll down. ‘What a boring timeline’ you think to yourself. You check the explore section. A few taps here and there. You close the app. Phew. That’s enough social media for today.
You walk to your work desk and pick up the book you’ve been trying to finish reading since the start of this year. You then pour yourself a glass of juice and mix it with some water. ‘I’m watching my sugar intake’ You say out loud so that the imaginary audience does not judge you.
You walk to the couch and settle into it. You are comfortable so you begin to flip the pages to where you stopped to pick up reading. Your phone beeps. You get a text.
‘Hi Thandi, how have you been. I know it has been a while. You recently crossed my mind and I thought to check on you.
Buzz me if and when you can.’
-Michael.
You tap your phone to open the messaging app. You are staring at the message intently, unable to believe what you have just read. You see earlier conversations with Micheal. It has been 2 years since you last texted each other. You scroll through your last conversation. Memories start rushing in. You are reminded again why you two drifted. You squeeze your forehead and your chest tightens. You feel it again, the heart-piercing feeling you felt when you came to the realisation that your friendship was falling apart.
Your phone beeps again. It’s another text.
‘Thandi, It’s been too long. Say something at least or call me.
I’d like to meet up and talk.’
To respond or to ignore? A part of you is eager to reconnect and the other part isn’t certain this is a good idea.
Pause.
Oftentimes, in the middle of our ever-busy lives, an olive branch is extended to us to rekindle something lost. Truth be told, we all struggle with figuring out if we should accept it or ignore it.
If the lockdown didn’t teach us anything, it at least taught us the importance of human connection beyond technology. I’d like to think amongst other things the pandemic presented us with an opportunity to rethink the way we lived.
I believe loss isn’t exclusive to death although I think death is the highest and final form of loss. When we stop talking to a friend or a family member and disconnections happen, that for me is loss.
When we lose the ones we love, we do not think it will go on for long. I mean we get upset over stuff and then resolve to keep our distance. Next thing you know, three days becomes 3 weeks and before you know it three years go by and you are still keeping a distance.
We then become busy. We make new friends, we evolve into new people and life goes on. Still, there’s a lost connection that you wish to reconnect with.
It happens to all of us. You are not alone.
Oftentimes, when the feeling of rebuilding lost connections comes to us, we feel embarrassed or ashamed or agitated because we remember that we let someone go or someone let us go. For many of us, certain people are a strong source of emotional support, especially when tragedies happen and so when we lose them, we feel like a part of us has gone missing.
Recently, I have come to accept that life is as difficult as we make it to be. Many people are eager to reconnect with friends and will do anything to have them back in their lives. The ball is usually in our court. This month presents a new opportunity to rethink if you want to extend the olive branch or accept that olive branch that is stretched towards you. Whichever category you belong to, if you are looking to rekindle your disconnections, these small steps can help.
Think before you reach out.
Regardless of how things ended, there was a reason why it did and though years have passed, the reason why you disconnected might still be lingering and as such, a reconnection might have you walking back into what you left behind.
So before you try to reach out, it might be wise to take some time to think it through. Ask yourself what happened and what has changed. Are you a completely different person now? Was there something you couldn’t handle back then? Is it something you can deal with now?
The point is this, you want to make sure that you are mentally and emotionally prepared for what can ensue.
Manage your expectations
When reconnecting, it’s common to want to make up for the lost time, remember that the other too person has changed and this change can stir up feelings of disappointment and frustration.
Adjusting expectations is one way to handle these tough emotions.
Act like it’s your first time.
Now that your olive branch has been accepted or you have opened up the possibilities of a reconnection, you should not immediately assume the same level of intimacy you once had. Try to become acquaintances first, let things unfold. Pace yourself as you would after meeting someone new. You will need time to build trust with them again.
Be Patient.
Do not expect things to hit off right away and do not pressure them into starting things immediately. Just because you’re ready to rekindle this connection doesn’t mean the other person is ready. If they are hesitant, try to keep in mind that it’s probably more about them than about you.
Don’t Be Afraid to Be Vulnerable
Instead of focusing on the past and on “what if” and “why,” work on identifying ways to figure out what makes you similar and build up from there. Remember that just like you, they want to avoid emotional and mental pain. You can therefore use vulnerability as the doorway to reconnection.
In my personal opinion, life isn’t short. We are the ones here living on something borrowed. Every day presents itself as an opportunity to step out of our comfort zone and do things differently. As we grow older, we will need the ones who love us the most and the ones we love the most to navigate this life with us.
Today, let us begin the start of something new. Reconnect.
