A sleepless night led to this article, no thanks to some medication that has messed up my sleep cycle for a bit. And when I don’t sleep, I get to think–a lot (someone said this isn’t a problem sha: you can never really think too much, you can only think badly. But I digress).
This time around, I couldn’t help but wonder how a lot of us now approach life and people exclusively from the angle of “what’s in it for me?”
I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but it just strikes me like there’s just this mercantile vibe to friendships and associations these days.
Now, I’m not saying self-interest is wrong, but there’s a thin line between this and being selfish — which isn’t necessarily a problem so long as we are upfront about it. We don’t want to give until we’re sure of receiving in good measure too. And that basically shatters the essence of our humanity.
While watching for our interest, we should also be willing to give of ourselves first just because we can.
The problem I have with this mentality (especially when taken to the extreme) is that while I’m looking out for what you’ll offer me before you’ll reciprocate, the chances are that you might be doing the same thing.
Nobody gets anything in a standoff of unwilling givers who are also expectant beneficiaries.
I think of my strongest core of friends today and try to remember how we all started. We had nothing but good company, laughter, vibes and ‘spark’ that we were willing to give for free. Sure, we were study buddies; we played football together and made a ton of stupid decisions together. However, I’ve really thought about it, and I can’t pick one moment where I became friends with one of them because I wanted to pass a course. Or because being with that person would make me look cool. Or because by hanging with them, I would be able to land jobs and contracts. I choose to become friends because I liked that person and was genuinely interested in that person (which usually happens after spending a lot of time avoiding whoever it is. Sorry, can’t help it).
Now I look at where we all are now and realise that in a few years, we’re probably gonna be even more badass, and if there’s indeed a favour needed, it wouldn’t be hard to call for at all. But first, we’ve been friends going through a lot together. This is why I understand when some people pull strings. Those strings didn’t just appear out of nowhere. They had spent a lot of time from way back laying the cables.
My first job was because of a friend who told me to bring my resumè to submit it alongside his. I ended up getting the job, and he didn’t. We’re still friends, and we’re both rising in our respective career pursuits.
My last job was because of another friend and classmate I recommended to a cousin of mine (who left her job three months later). She got the job, and when she saw my resumè in the company’s mail a year later – after my National Youth Service – she took it upon herself to print it and did all the follow-up. I didn’t know she was still there when I sent the email. Long story short, I got the job, and she left five months later.
I would later spend almost six years at that publishing house.
So, what if I thought at that time that my friend had nothing to offer me and refused to recommend her back then? I was the one who spent more time helping her out with stuff in school, so I could have easily brushed her off. Sure, I’ll have gotten another job, but I’m also sure I won’t appreciate our friendship this much. We haven’t spoken in years now, but she still ranks high among the friends I regard because I might not even be where I am now as a person without her. So, without a doubt, I believe such friendships count for a lot.
I think it’s just something for us to reflect on. Sure, we should be strategic with our friendships and partnerships and the network we’re building. But never be so self-consumed about just what you’re going to get. Never be so consumed by the benefits of your friendship that you lose sight of what you’ve got to offer.
Or maybe I just like to compartmentalise. I have a box for friends (with compartments for social media friends, childhood friends, work friends, etc. Sometimes these lines merge or intersect), another box for professional acquaintances, and yet another for…whatever, you get the point.
A friend of mine said something a few years ago, and I took it to heart: never just look at someone and dismiss them because you couldn’t see what they’ve got to offer you. You just might be the light they’re looking for to brighten their darkened path. A candle never diminishes by lighting another candle.
And sometimes, being a light is just enough for me.
