From the title, you probably assume that I’m about to go into an intense metaphorical monologue about life, and its one-too-many lessons. If this is your thought, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but I mean this in the most literal sense.
At the start of the year, I, like most people in the global population, anticipated a mild case of germaphobia. A phobia that could potentially protect me from contracting the coronavirus. Yes, please! But sadly, life had other plans. I, instead, developed a chronic case of Basophobia (fear of falling down), and ironically that’s all I seem to do these days, fall down.
You see, it started one fateful night during the lockdown. I had gone running in an attempt to escape my sedentary lifestyle. Heart racing, dripping in sweat, and panting heavily like a wild dog, I was finally on my last lap when I heard a loud bark. I ignored it at first as It is a rather common occurrence in my estate, so I continued dragging my tired self towards my street. Then it became louder and seemed a lot closer, that’s when I turned around and saw a dog charging at me. Terrified, I used the last molecule of energy left in me to run for my dear life as it began to chase me. As I approached my house, I couldn’t manage to get the gate open, so I tried jumping over it but instead threw all 77kg of me over the gate and landed flat on the ground. The dog retreated but I remained on the floor for what felt like hours as I was now in intense pain; my legs were bruised, and my arm strained.
This event marked the beginning of my insistent and spontaneous interactions with the ground. Since that day, I have fallen down in the bathroom, at the car park of a salon, at the entrance of my office, my home staircase, alighting my car, just to name a few.
What I really want to know is who I offended; what is it about 2020 that makes me trip or fall down unprovoked? Is this a mere case of clumsiness or is there a ghost ‘setting leg’ for me? At this point, I’m leaning towards the latter. With the way my mother constantly yells ‘awon ebi baba e’ (my father’s relatives) at the slightest provocation, I won’t be surprised if this is part of their revenge plot, sins of the mother perhaps.
I decided to research my existing condition and here are a few of my findings: According to Google, I may be suffering from a condition known as Pes planus, scary right? Not so much. It’s a simple case of flat feet. Apparently, people with flat feet tend to have issues with stability.
Another possible cause is a change in hormone levels during menstruation which makes women extra-clumsy. Lowered levels of progesterone have adverse effects on our vision, hand steadiness, and coordination of movements. One more issue to blame our ancestor, Eve, for.
WebMD, on the other hand, is convinced that this is a neurological issue and has diagnosed ‘my enemy’ with a possible case of Parkinson’s or Cerebral Palsy which begs the question – are these medical websites created to prevent death or accelerate it?
All in all, I am thankful for the year 2020. It has taught me that I may fall down but I will rise again. I’ll probably fall down again but rise I must.
