Driving in Lagos, especially during rush hour, is an extreme sport. By now, you know I like lists, right? So, here is a list of some of the drivers I’ve seen on Lagos roads.
Slow Drivers: These ones just drive slowly. They don’t have anywhere important to be. They just take their sweet sweet time. Sometimes, you think you can go with their flow, but they drive super slow. I’m not even talking about the rickety buses, cabs, trailers and tankers. I’m talking about the regular, nothing-wrong-with-his-car-Tony who just decides to get on the road when he has nowhere important to be. The annoying part is they are almost always on the fast lane. Move out of the way, Tony!
Fast Drivers: Fast drivers are quite the opposite. They drive like they have an appointment with death or another super urgent appointment. They literally fly over potholes and bumps, they drive dangerously close to trailers and tankers, they switch from lane to lane before you can say Jack Robinson. They are just a bit much, a lot much actually. Like much much! It’s better to just get out of their way. I have been this driver once really and it was when I had a super urgent appointment. An extremely bad diarrhea that wanted to disgrace my ancestors and me. I flew, fam! I did a 20 minutes journey in like 7 minutes. I was literally flying over bumps with reckless abandon. Thankfully, I made it home. But it was a battle. Let’s just thank God for life.
Nice Drivers: They are a bit like the slow drivers because if you are behind them, you will move slowlyyyyy. Unlike the slow driver though, it’s not because they can’t step on the gas. It’s just that they are too nice. “Niceness kee them”. They are always like “you get in front of me”, “you also get in front of me”, “you get in front of me”, “in fact, everyone gets in front of me”!
When you ask them, they are always on some deep talk about how there’s no where we are rushing to in this life yada yada ya…
“Oga Ade, get out of the way. Me I’m almost late for my US Visa Interview. Ah. Or is it you they sent from the village?”
Nice drivers are fun if you are one of the “cutsies” though. I always ensure to give them a thumbs up! Thanks, Team!
Commitment Issues: These ones can’t commit to a lane in traffic. Sometimes, you can’t blame them though. The moment they change to a seemingly faster lane, the lane they moved away from suddenly starts moving. So, they keep switching lanes like it’s going out of fashion. When I have the opportunity, I usually don’t let them back in my space though. “You didn’t stick with us through the tough times, baby. There’s no room for you here anymore. Bye Felicia!”.
Honkers: These ones press the horn for no good reason. You are too close to them, horn! You are driving too slowly, pim pim pim! Your car suddenly breaks down in front of them, they go pam pam pam! I remember this joke about honkers back in the day. It’s about how they bought the horn before the actual car or something like that. They are just all over the place with the horn.
Curse Word Addicts: These ones take no prisoners. Any slight mistake and they take you to the cleaners! Sometimes, they simply use hand gestures if you are not within earshot. A favorite one is to slightly curve your index finger and use it to tap on your temple a few times in quick succession. For me, that’s like the worst thing ever! Ah! You mean my head is not correct?! Or they give you a deadly stare. Those death stares are the most painful. A great hack a friend taught me though, if you commit a “curse-wordy” offence (pun not intended), just look straight ahead. Whatever you do, don’t look at the other driver. Ever. Sort of like “hear no evil, see no evil”.
Moving Clubs: These ones throw a party on the move. It doesn’t matter if they are going on a two-minute trip or a day trip, the music has to be turned all the way up. They also accompany it with some nice dance moves on the wheels! They can be a delight to watch from another car. But, if you are in the car with them, trying to hold a conversation, this can be an extreme sport!
On-The-Run: These ones have all sorts of chops in their car. Traffic or no traffic, they are just munching away! With no care in the world. LASTMA will catch you, Aunty!
For the Gram: These ones take pictures/make video recordings of everything that happens on the road.
“This traffic is so terrible! We have been in traffic for 1 hour!”
“The road is so free today o. Yippie!!!!!!”
“Oh, this keke driver just hit this Range Rover, See Gobe”. etc. etc.
They make sure they have enough pictures and videos for the Gram. Because you know what they say, if you don’t have evidence, it didn’t happen.
Ogbanje: These are special special people. God’s very own. My God. I know God made all of us “wonderfully and fearfully” but Ogbanje is uber duper super special!
Here’s what they do:
They are driving slowly (meaning they are the Slow Driver).
The Fast Driver and the Honker are behind them, flashing them to get out of the way. Ogbanje is not moved. Ogbanje does not care. Ogbanje continues in that snail-like movement. Oh my God, the light is about to turn “red”. And trust Mr. Fast Driver, he does not have time for slow motion, he quickly cuts in front of Ogbanje and zooms off.
Oh wait…
Suddenly, all so suddenly, Ogbanje remembers he has a super-duper urgent appointment. He then starts racing after Oga Fast Driver.
Ogbanje kuku does not suddenly have anywhere urgent to be. He is only just furious that someone had the audacity to cut in front of him. “How dare you overtake me like that?”
If he is lucky, he goes past Oga Fast Driver and gives the driver a tongue-out or something similar. Ogbanje drivers are the pettiest of people. I mean, petty petty petty.
Others are Car Racers who like racing with total strangers on the road for no reason. “Akin, if you bash Ike’s Mercedes, me I no dey o.”
Have you also come across the Wicked Ones? Hmm, those ones, if you like cry blood, they won’t let you come in front of them. If trailer sef likes, let it jam you, the wicked ones will just unlook. You people should fear God o.
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What type of driver are you? Let me go first, I have been all these drivers at different times. I mean, ALL (including Ogbanje). God “safe” us…😊. Oya, which one are you?
This is definitely a good read. I’ve just been laughing at the office (trying so hard not to LOL). I have not driven a car yet but I have experienced all these kinds of drivers.