By Moyo Awotile
I would like to start this article by clearing everyone’s misconception about my belief by referencing Charles Darwin, “I have never been an atheist in the sense of denying the existence of a God. – I think that generally … an agnostic would be the most correct description of my state of mind”, and anyone who thinks Atheism is the same as being Agnostic is no different from the serial killers that think Pepsi is the same as Coca-Cola.
For the past 10 years or so, my summers were happy and carefree periods that always began with me observing Ramadan, I practised this even when I was a staunch Christian (yeaaaah, this is a story for another day), till now. I believed that no matter what religion you practice, if you believe there is one true God and your ways are pure, then you definitely have a place in heaven. After all, God is good, therefore anything good is of God. I had so much faith in Him and in people and this came with inexplicable peace.
However, as I grew older I started to pay more attention to the things happening around me. Every day, bad things kept happening to good people, while the bad people were clearly living their best lives. It disturbed me deeply and I began to ask questions that no one seemed to know the right answers to. Everyone wanted me to just be quiet and focus on what their interpretation of the bible was. A youth pastor once threatened to “report” me to God, because I probed his demands for funds and asked why all sinners must die by fire in front of the youth church. Lol. That’s when I began to realize that people are easy to control if you can manipulate their fear, and this fear is often borne out of ignorance. “He who controls the mind controls the being”. There and then, I decided I wanted to know everything about this enigmatic God that seemed to be evolving every day but was described as being the same yesterday, today and forever.
This might have been a mistake.
When God asked Adam and Eve not to eat from the Tree of Life, it was for their own good. That apple gave them knowledge that was both a blessing and a curse. Life is so simple when you don’t question the rules and just do as you are told, but knowledge gives you a freedom of will that changes your perspective on life, you stop having faith in people, you stop believing in karma, you become responsible for your destiny, you only do things that serve you and ultimately you lose your peace.
To become enlightened, you have to detach the religious definition of God from the word god, then you come to place where there is hardly any room to believe in a creator, you begin to question the existence of things not seen, and for your sanity, you learn to be your own god. This is how Agnostics are created.
By a stroke of luck (or maybe fate), two years ago, I met someone who shared my former belief that despite our diverse religions, as long as the Supreme Being we worship compels us to do good and love one another, then we worship the one true God. I met a Theist who was also Omnist. It was hard at first for me to accept him for who he was, because my mind was in a state of chaos (yet another story for another day), but when a person has unending faith in you, teaches you how to have a positive outlook on life, puts your needs first, is firm yet kind to you, you start to yield. Oh boy, it was a long battle and I almost won him over to the “dark side”, but you find that people who are grounded are not easily swayed, nor is there any possibility of controlling their minds, he was able to remain steadfast.
With lots and looooootttts of patience, he taught me how to believe again, how to focus on the message (God) and ignore the messenger (“men of God”), he taught me how to be grateful for everything and helped me realise that while I was busy deliberating the existence of God, God was busy answering all my prayers.
What do you give to someone who has put so much effort into helping you grow? Peace of mind? Trust? Assurance? How do you give what you don’t have? These things come very easily when you have faith in a Supreme Being, That’s why this Ramadan, I hope to find my faith again, but this time it will be built on my personal relationship with God and also on the knowledge that the world is made up of imperfect people who are trying to know God too. Perhaps I can have a happy and carefree summer again.
Insightful!