By Deoye Falade
Express yourself. It’s healthy and you’re not losing anything
Stereotypes.
They inform how we view people, things and the decisions we make about them. They’re sort of an educated guess; if A is from B and everyone you’ve met from B behaves in a particular way, then A is likely to behave the same way.
I guess this is why they say men are from one red planet where all that matters are things like cars, video games, the latest tech out there, women and other awesome stuff.
That’s all fine and dandy but I would like to talk about how we feel.
You see, as men, we have been fed on a whole lot of stuff growing up and in our continuous ‘adulting’, we feel we have to be a particular type of macho to be considered manly. We’ve been taught to appear stoic – which in itself is a good thing, unfeeling and detached.
But are we really detached?
Turns out we’re not.
Men are both rational and emotional beings. You could argue that women are more expressive but it’s really as a result of one gender being taught to drown or ‘internalise’ their feelings. No, it’s not manly for a ‘real man’ to talk about how he feels or to truly express what’s going on in his head or mind. Not to express his pain even when he feels it. Not to really express love even though it courses through his being, just like the blood that traipses through his veins.
Quick question: how many of us guys were ever told by their fathers that they were ‘loved’ growing up?
For where? As a result, you can’t even tell your friend you love him without adding #NoHomo just in case. For me, I wasn’t told by my dad. Of course, I knew he did but he never said it. I don’t even remember ever being hugged by my dad. If he did, I was probably still very little as I vaguely remember him holding my hand when we go on walks back then, when he would sometimes carry me on his shoulder. I remember the random gifts and commendations when he’s talking to his friends. I feel the pride. It was just never verbally directed to me. Now, we do handshakes now once every year or so but that’s it (maybe that’s why I’m not much of a hugger now but really, everyone needs a hug once in a while.).
My father has changed though. I guess old age softens people but it’s kind of awkward for me whenever I get an emotional text from him – just like he sends to my siblings.
I’m like, “Wait oh; dad is all shades of mushy in this text. This is just all shades of weird…”
We just were rarely shown direct verbal affection and if we’re not careful, the cycle of being thought to ‘man up’ by numbing a part of our humanity will continue. Not with me though. Son or daughter, I’m going to express myself to them. Tell them they are loved every chance I get. I’ll not just show them, I’ll voice it to them as well. Let that validation start in the home, lest they seek it elsewhere.
On the flip side, how come we were indirectly taught to express the negatives – anger, force, aggression and all such nasty stuff? I reckon that some men beat women because they can’t settle down well enough to connect and communicate on a level playing field. I could go on about this but this particular one is a topic for another day.
The bottom line is: express yourself. It’s healthy and you’re not losing anything. Some of us might be emotionally withdrawn most of the time not just because we’re men but because of who we are – temperament wise. Still, I’m learning. I’ve realised that it’s healthy to cry when you feel like (hey, I took Ed Sheeran’s advice). I’ve felt better every single time. It doesn’t have to be public and it’s okay to talk about it.
Internalising our emotions isn’t cool even though we’ve been told otherwise for years and we pass the same ideas on. Research has shown that men are more likely to commit suicide compared to women and one of the reasons is because we find it difficult to express our innermost feelings, fears, challenges, etc.
You’re not Superman; the weight of the world doesn’t have to rest on your shoulders. It’s perfectly okay to ask for help when you need it.
Feel. Express. It’s healthy.
