How to Choose The One – The Tony Elumelu Guide to Being Romeo & Juliet

By Bolanle Omisore

For those of us that choose to chase challenge, to climb the corporate ladder and spend the majority of our days in an office, love can be hard to find.

But hard is not impossible and one-by-one, the single among us are dropping like flies and flying to the altar.

To the single among us: Choosing a husband or wife, a partner that you’ll have for life, is one of the most fundamental decisions that any of us will make, and one that will surely impact the direction our lives will take. Mr. Tony O. Elumelu recognizes this and sat down with me to discuss Love and How to Choose the One. Here are his thoughts:

1. Chase potential, or Go With the Safe Bet:

First of all, I want to say that there is a myth about marriage that I want to dispel – young people have the perception that marriage MUST be a dull, tedious, boring thing that is strict and tight.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Your marriage can be whatever you want to be, so long as you’re with a person that complements you, whose personality leaves room for you to be you and vice versa.

Now, I have my life fairly well planned, down to the age at which I would like to die… So when it was time to get married, I was dating Awele, but there was someone else, someone from before. Both were excellent, which made it hard to choose.

It was so hard, that I decided to consult my boss, Chief Banigo. Mind you, his 1^st marriage didn’t work out, but I trusted his judgement and I even felt that he would be more aware of the challenges that marriages face and would help make my decision much more informed.

I wanted to build a family with values and I wanted someone who could do that, but still be intellectually engaged outside of the home.

There’s no hard and fast rule on potential or actualized success – if there are clear characteristics and values that a person shows, then that predicts the future more than any present success does. At the same time, you also shouldn’t penalize anyone for being ahead of their time and finding success early (eg, Tony O. Elumelu).

2. Character traits/ values to look out for

• Fear of God is Good – there are limits to what a person who knows and loves God can and will do
• Respect for their family is key; even if it’s for pretend, the knowledge of how to pretend matters and it speaks. Respect for your family too. Well brought up people are good in the long term.
• Violence is unacceptable.
• Complexes are bad and self-confidence is key
• Confidence is a must, but arrogance is to be avoided

3. What’s the Proper Love Balance?

Men love women more as they enter into relationships and into marriage, it’s just a fact. But women will love who you find, women grow into love, men fall into it. For women, there will be some times when you are choosing between two people and there is one that you love more than he loves you.

My advice is go with the one that loves you more. Once you tie your lives together, you will begin to see the positives that you never saw before and he will continue to adore you. With the way that women love, the one that YOU love more, his love can never catch up.

4. How do you (MEN) choose?

First, look for the one you like most, but that can be hard to tell. The one you like more may not have your time. Character matters; I personally like business ladies, women who work in a structured respectable environment, not just in the home.

When we were first toasting, Awele would go to my house and cook and clean and I was so impressed, but I don’t know when last she entered the kitchen to cook for me; those things don’t matter.

Look at her character:

Is she kind?

Is she well-mannered?

Not easily accessible.

Nice looking, no two ways about it.

3. How do you end relationships when you’re not interested?

 There are two kinds of relationships: one with a future and one without. It’s usually quite clear which is which and I urge ladies to be real with themselves about which kind you’re in.

4. How Do You Decide Who to Marry?

1. I received input from Banigo and then on a flight, wrote out the pros and cons for each
2. He pointed out that mothers have a strong influence on their childrens’ marriages, so choosing the one whose mother is on board is always good
3. Set a timeline for when to marry and work toward that.

There are impulsive men and decisive men. A decisive man would look at the bigger picture and think through the women that he has in his life.

5. How to Maintain a Steady, Happy Relationship

1. Mutual respect
2. Complementary personalities
3. Tolerance